So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
