awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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