Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
