I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
