I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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