dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
