She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
