Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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