I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
