I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
