I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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