She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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