theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
