My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
