Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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