you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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