Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
