....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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