he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
