highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
two words: eviction party
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
