so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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