Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
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Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
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My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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