you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
