i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
