Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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