Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??