I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.