I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
this just has baby written all over it
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.