I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
