I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
