I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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