He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
