he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
