she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
