its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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