He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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