TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
