So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
