hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
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stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
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I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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