You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Let's get the cat blown out
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
