I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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