Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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