I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
