my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
