Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
