Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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