Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
In other news, I just burned my penis
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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