My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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