I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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