The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
