I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
