I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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