allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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