Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
