first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
