I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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