Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
