Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
