Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
