Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
