Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
