I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
