I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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