Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
