I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
