I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You were trust falling into bushes
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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