I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
